Think Globally, Take it in the Pooper Locally!

Politics. Ah fuck, right? Wrong. Sit back down and read the whole fucking thing, or I will personally fantasize about all the sick twisted shit I'd never do to you unless you thought I wasn't capable of it and didn't hear me creeping up behind you, right this very second. That's right, just keep reading...

So, Democratic (Yeah, that's right, bitches) Representative Bud Cramer is out. He's the Congressman from Alabama's 5th District- because we don't have many people in the state(~4.5m), but we have towns (Birmingham) with bigger populations than Alaska- which includes Huntsville. His replacement fuck-ups are Wayne Parker (R) and Parker Griffith (D).

First, here are the issues for Huntsville, which means they're the issues for the vast majority of people in district 5, Defense spending, guns, anti-gays, and defense spending. It's prime Republican territory, and our Democratic representatives tend to be D in name more than policy. (Keeping the Dixiecrat tradition alive? Maybe; but not quite). Defense Spending is huge because of Redstone Arsenal, which is home to Space and Missile Defense Command. 85% of Missile components for the US military go through Huntsville at some point in time. [As an aside: Huntsville is the smartest city in the country. Per capita there are more PhDs here than anywhere else in the US; and this is LARGELY due to the above command and related industries.]

Second, the Candidates:
Wayne Parker - lost to Cramer in 1994 by less than 2000 votes, then lost by an asston in 1996. He was a lobbyist for two Alabama interest groups, for 5 years, and NEITHER of them remember him. In response to questions one referred to him as "this guy", as in "Someone told me this guy did some lobbying for us." Both groups said they didn't even recognize his name! Plus, back in 1994 he said Defense Spending wasn't important for Huntsville and that he thought they could cut some jobs and spending out on Redstone Arsenal. (Remember: Huntsville doesn't exist without Redstone. This is so much the case, that I have an unnerving {somewhat irrational} dislike for Goddard Space Flight Center because a lot of projects from here get yanked and thrown there).

Parker Griffith - Ex-Oncologist {Cancer Doctor, for both of you who don't watch House}, current freshman Dem in State Congress (since 2006). "A" rated by the NRA, doesn't support gay marriage, and says as a Christian he "knows where our values come from". This is the Democrat. THE FUCKING DEMOCRAT!

The facts:
Parker is attacking Parker (That's Wayne v Griffith) because Parker (that's Griffith) was reported by Huntsville Hospital (about as evil a charitable organization as can be) and forced out of their oncology center. Apparently some people thought Griffith (that's Parker) was withholding medication to ease the pain of his cancer patients. There was a report made, which found no fault, malpractice, nor justifiably actionable offense on the part of Parker (that's Griffith, like Andy- who supports Obama, which is possibly how and why PG is a Democrat). So, Parker (that's Wayne) has been running shit on the air, backed MASSIVELY by the GOP's financing committees, about how Parker's (that's Griffith's) patients were horribly abused. {Good place to note that the first version of the ad had to be yanked because it was illegal- it was inaccurately citing and referencing the report. 2 of the 3 local stations it was airing on yanked it until it was redone in accordance with FUCKING COMMON 11th GRADE Essay ACCURACY, not to mention decency. Oh, an Kudos Channel 19 for being douches and refusing to pull the ad, because irrationally justifying slander/libel from one side over the other is a great way to encourage accurate reporting and some modicum of journalistic "balance", Station Owners}.

Full understanding of what that report REALLY meant, and why Griffith (that's Parker) was forced out, would entail a long diatribe about Huntsville Hospital. I am already in mid-long-diatribe and will refrain from further tangential bullshitting, other than to say: Huntsville Hospital is HUGELY political, and it has the smack of standard HH politics (i.e. been done before to other docs, administrators, board members, etc etc).

Currently, Parker (Griffith) is trying his damndest to get past this Torture-Doctor shite (look at his forcongress.com website), while continuing to attack Wayne Parker for being a stupid fucking lobbyist scumbag. Parker (that's Wayne) may have this sewn up, It's hard to tell.

The point is, though, that we have (supposedly) TWO candidates: Parker & Parker. But, with very little difference, according to their campaign materials, it's like voting for the the lesser half of the same fucking evil. It'd be like saying "I voted Bush Cheney '04 because, though I hate Cheney and Bush, I like Bush's legs. I can TRUST Bush's legs not to capitulate to terrorists, or fuck our economy up so bad it sends us into a global recession; and it's not like EITHER of them had anything to do with the TREASONOUS act of OUTING an UNDERCOVER CIA operative still on ACTIVE status. Nope, I just like those reassuringly chiseled calf muscles..."

In point of fact, this isn't likely the case. Look at Parker's (that's Griffith, Wayne has never held elected office) voting records and you'll see he's a fairly reliable democrat. He, apparently, is a socially conservative moderate democrat. Running against the guy who said, on the local TV debate, that he'd abolish the Department of Education. Parker (that's Griffith) has hit him HARD on that, listing the DoE's contribution to every school system in the 5th District- which is tens of millions of dollars. HOWEVER, it's obvious from his answers that Parker (that's Wayne) is likely a young earth creationist and Intelligent Design advocate. Parker (that's Wayne) really really really wants you to have to learn about God in Science class. Because we wouldn't want you to learn fucking SCIENCE in science class, we're only 24th of 14 developed countries surveyed in science! (See? If you'd fucking FUND the DoE instead of abolishing it, and stop trying to fuck with science education, I might know the sample size had to be bigger than 14 if we were 24th, and YOU might know that I was being facetious, or what that big fancy word meant!)

I hate having to vote for these schmucks. Parker Griffith shouldn't be ashamed at being A rated by the NRA, but he shouldn't pander so heavy-handedly, either. It's disgraceful, and his campaign is making him look like a republican in all but name. This is, probably, calculated; but it very well could mean I vote Independent and if I'm doing that, it could mean other swing votes are doing that. Wayne Parker is indistinguishable from a fool, a lobbyist, and an idiot. At the present time, it would be increasingly difficult to prove that Wayne Parker isn't the biggest piece of shit to ever try to lie, cheat, deceive, stupid (as the verb), and generally appeal to Palin-conservatives, his way into the AL-05. THAT is why I may actually NOT throw my vote away, and give it to the lesser side of the two evils (and his fairly reliable, intelligent, non-discriminatory voting record in the state Senate).

It's a disgusting election, this, and if I wasn't a horribly opinionated, atheist, skeptic, with no money, breeding, education, or worth I'd fucking run for this seat myself in four years and show these assholes that an intellectually honest, non-dogmatic, candidate can beat their dicks in with barely any money and only a spot at locally televised debates. Alas, how much better the world if my dreams- but not yours, yours are all creepy to us and really conveying that creepiness was the whole point of this post, thanks for reading through to it, and stop masturbating on the gerbils, now- were reality...

UPDATE: Just glanced at the newspaper for today, and see the CHRISTIAN COALITION has decried Wayne Parker's "Islam Ad" the headline reads "You need to win on the issues". I have not seen this ad (Not surprising since I watch little TV and when I do the channel tends to have B or MSN before the BC), nor read the story yet; more after lunch...